had looked like a slow motion fall to the ground, inch by inch, toward the wet sand at night. I saw her hair color silver before touching down, his mouth slightly unfold, after the crash.
The laughter of Oxana had gone suddenly leaving silence to swallow.
A silence that was pressing on the eardrums, slowly killing the final seconds of a conversation that evening lost in the sea, yet another, after the before. A quiet evening with a beer in hand, colored with laughter that came spontaneously from his throat, which does not get caught up in the arteries swollen.
and Michelle seemed to feel good, it was paler than usual, drank with us. He had not touched food, though.
I stood motionless in a crouching position next to the sea of burnt wood. Sucked back from that dimension where nothing existed. That dimension that fed my body, tore them from my body to throw into a black hole that I revolved around the death of Jared.
A black hole who had also sucked my love for him, all the crumbs of his affection for me had disappeared, leaving only a big blind in his chest. And now even the memories of that Michelle girl who stared in the mirror and hated were sucked. Lost forever, along with my ghosts.
The black hole was my creation, my subconscious mind, a way as any to avoid bleeding to death for too many wounds that I carry around every step. Walking on shards of my life.
a way as any to forget that too. Life.
One way to survive a little longer ' without collapsing completely. Without losing the last supply of oxygen.
in my size and the darkness did not exist. As there was no light.
There was just a horrible nothing of abstract colors, scents, I could not perceive. Mirrors did not reflect my face, my eyes did not reflect the bottomless blacks, but two wells. Without glitter.
A skeleton trudging to climb too steeply, with the bones crumbled at the slightest breath of wind. Lonely shadow that was about to be swallowed by bright light.
a reflection not mine. The reflection of the strength that I was free to have ever heard.
"Chelle" The terrified scream of Oxana was unable to return to reality. The half-smoked cigarette fell from my fingers as the blood went back in front of my eyes boy.
blood too red, too slippery. Blood of young women. Blood of children growing up too fast, in a house clean and too fragile. With parents too big and powerful, their eyes dull and horrifying.
And Jared would not have died if Lilian had not died, and we would not be mad. And now Michelle would not have been half dead on the beach, with a spine that was pressing too close to the stomach.
Oxana It would not have had his hair dyed platinum blonde already.
And we would not have spent our teenage years knocking on the door of a paradise where no one wanted us to enter.
And maybe we still believe in God if Lily had not had dark eyes staring into space, that night. If it was not so damn cold and pale. If she was the mother of Jared.
“Blake, alzati, Blake! Michelle sta male, Bee! Alzati, forza!” Ma la forza per stendere le gambe e puntare i piedi per terra non c’era.
Non c’era la forza per chiudere le palpebre e sfuggire allo spettacolo traditore di Michelle che non si muoveva tra le braccia di Oxana. Mi aveva detto che non sarebbe morta senza di me.
Che mi avrebbe aspettato. E invece sembrava aver deciso di andarsene anche lei.
“E’ morta”, mormorò la mia voce nella notte. Gli eyed Ana is planted in my insane with fury. With the obstinacy of the insane.
"It's not dead " growled at me taking Chelle to shake and blow air into the lungs through the mouth. Ben shook me by the shoulders, do not leave me in peace. He wanted to tear to my sweet world of nothing for my feet in front of the course of events, too hard to accept without collapsing. I felt his hands pressed against my cheeks. His eyes darkened me the view, I gazed perplexed and worried. Giants in their intense black that stood out so much on that pale skin.
"Oxana, I think it's hysterical," he breathed, moving sideways, Oxana looked at me again. Seemed to be going mad, it seemed a step away from a cliff slippery and black. She was terrified. Cheeks pale, her eyes huge, the sweat on the forehead and the black kohl smudged.
looked like a clown sort of failed miserably. A clown who had not tried enough of pretending to be really convinced of what he could make everyone laugh. That eroded and stability. I looked at her as he staggered towards me, tears in corners of the eyes that do not fall.
His hand slapped me forcefully when I was in front. Then he fell to his knees, face down. Hands clasped in her lap.
the black hole and disappeared, leaving only the color burst a little 'foggy around. Things resumed their boundaries faded. Ana stood before me, broken. Ben had taken his place with Michelle with one hand while trying to call an ambulance.
"Please," begged my friend swaying on the spot. It seemed a pagan god and pray unknown. "Please, Bee, please, do not go well you ". And her pagan god, their pagan god, that was me. I was always, however.
I grabbed his head by pulling it towards me, buried his face in my collarbone, taking a leap floor, pierced by sobs without tears.
"I'm here, I'm sorry, sorry," I repeated to her ear, holding frantically to me. To hear again that the reality was not too far from my skin, to touch the truth in hand.
And darkness returned most comfortable plastic color of my personal dimension.
I was crazy, I was sure. The reason was abandoning my skin, my tissues. Moved away to not hurt anymore.
"Hurt me, Ana. Hurt me, physically, "the pleaded. The girl looked at me and returned the little girl with pigtails from four years ago, returned the girl who ran away from the Villa to attend concerts by emerging bands. His gaze scattered I cut the wind. "Please." I grabbed a trembling hand. The siren of the ambulance was from a distance. They were going to save Chelle. Chelle was not dead, but I wanted him for dead. Chelle who was still trapped in that damned cage we call life.
"How ... how ..?" Confused the voice of my friend came to my ears like a broken groan. I stretched out in the dark up to grab the snap boxcutter that Ben had brought with him to cut wood in odd shapes tribal, according to him and his studies, had a precise meaning.
Ana stared when I put it in my hand. He shook his head in two movements lightning.
"I can not" hyphenated her lips, her voice too tired to go out. It could not really.
How I could never have I groped not rub as I did with Michelle instead. I bent to kiss her forehead before getting up.
I would be left alone in my madness, the destruction of a moment that should not be the same as always. I had to talk to someone, I groped to feel again the pain torn. To exit. To breathe that air and corrosive acid.
Ana did not have the courage to make a similar gesture, was not strength to bring me back. I walked unsteadily to Chelle who had opened his eyes vacant and frightened, Ben held her tightly in his arms from tapered muscles.
"Little," I whispered, Michelle looked at me and she also shrank. Its very clear irises seemed not to understand what was happening, what had already happened. They seemed not to understand why life is so much accanisse against her, against us.
seemed lost, too, in the smell of salt, in the silence broken by the waves breaking on the rocks, so I had not heard that before.
"Blake." A silent prayer on the lips thin and pale. The words barely audible wet. I nodded, stretching her lips into a faint smile
"Bee, do you have any regrets?" He whispered suddenly. I felt the eyes of Benedict contract to stay on my face.
The regrets were too many to count. But regret was not wearing anything, no use to me or to anyone else.
I shook my head.
"You know I do not believe in regrets. Why? Watched paramedics running down the narrow stairs leading to the beach, a camp bed in his hand. And I felt I had no more time.
I felt the need to greet Michelle, I did not know if the magazine would never, under those conditions. I did not want to dream her face every night and know not to kiss him one last time, for not having looked into his eyes for the last few seconds.
"I have too many regrets," he said, smiling sadly. I shook my head and went over my lips to his. It looked like a farewell. I knew perfectly, and he knew that Ben began to tremble uncontrollably, and he knew that Ana had not moved from the side of the fire, still kneeling on the bare legs.
returned the gentle kiss with the little strength that remained in the body.
"I will not die, as I promised. Do not say goodbye, "said a quiet, when I moved away from her. His eyes were too dark in the night. Too intense and too fragile to lie to secure something.
A sea liquid of broken promises and oaths etched into the skin.
swear not to die, when the heart was about to stop beating, for example.
But Michelle's eyes were sincere, that night. And she would not die even if Death himself had tried to trascinarsela on. She was always trying to keep their promises, paying with the blood at times. With the purest pain.
"What happened?" An unknown voice behind us breathless and forced me to break eye contact with Chelle. A young woman stood before me with clinical and looked calm, I walked around to lean on Michelle and caress his forehead sweat with a slender hand.
"You ..." he began, his voice breaking with Ben, swallowed hard and fast shooting. "You suddenly fainted. You bulimic. "
The woman stared at him for a second and then nodded calmly.
"Do not worry, it was probably only a very weak and undernourished," he explained, while his colleague bellied reached it in a hurry.
"What we have here?" Said Chelle quickly lifting the arms of Ben and resting gently on the bed.
"From what you do not eat, darling?" Gently asked the woman to her partner Michelle ignoring and putting your arm in a thin half-sister of my machine to measure blood pressure. Michelle wet his lips with his tongue before moving his eyes from the stars and milky down on the tired face of the woman.
"A couple of days, I think." One Response weak and thin and his body on the blue camp. The thin woman frowned and nodded again.
a pang in my heart.
He had not eaten for days and I realized I had not, too busy not look around. Not to see the world crumble piece by piece. To not hear the debris fall on top me. And I did not even see her, the most important thing in the world, consumed in front of my eyes misted.
I had having lost again. Forget the good things in life, his life, what with all the effort I had taught her to love. To welcome with open arms.
He had decided to screen. Not longer able to distinguish them from those horrible, those that left dust behind him.
I felt his arms thin Ana surround the chest, and his head resting between my shoulder blades.
"When we lost control, Oxana?" I asked. I felt her shake her head.
"When we had that, Bee?" He retorted. Ben was next to us while the ambulance was leaving with Chelle.
We stayed there without the strength to go to the hospital with her, to warn someone.
Without breath, either.
It was right at the bottom Oxana. Why did we always pretended to be able to go forward, you can bring life back on track. We were convinced we could do it.
But had never been true.
They had all been wasted effort, self-inflicted stab wounds to the heart. Were sung scars on the skin. Grown on our language, endowed by our breath.
Sew on the skin with trembling hands, crooked as the roads we were traveling for a lifetime.
"You will not die," Ben interjected laconic. He stared at the sea, a cigarette wedged between his lips perfect. I nodded. Oxana breathed finally dissolving the rigidity behind my back. Crouched against me better and I felt that trying to get to sleep that night without a moon. Without stars, and where the fire could not warm up the frozen blood.
"We're waiting here?" I asked nobody in particular. Ben looked at me and shook his head, sighed Ana floor.
"We're a little more 'here, I called Andy. Expect us to do something they know, then, "he said and walked up to us, swallowed by the darkness of the beach.
And it turned quite a wait continues, and infinite.
to corrode the veins and let the blood to drown the secrets stored in the chest, the words unspoken desires and ill-concealed. To drown the essence that we had hidden under layers of dust and rotten year.
Years of wet wood, salt plan that was consumed. Leaving a light powder inside.
wait that was love.
Because of love you had.
And a song saying that love is watching someone die. And we stare at each other while the skin became invisible, as we consume.
And love to live there continued, undaunted. It was impossible to forget it.
Why was throbbing in my heart, traveling with the poison in the blood, sand and dust. With faces long forgotten. With passions aside.
A wait of us who knew and Michelle.
Who knew the sea when the sea and was drowned was the one who wanted more than anything else in the world.
Jared was right there, in that darkness that was little fear too.
would have been good. And I would have been good in his arms. I would not have felt so lost.
And I wanted it to be there, at that time.
While I loved and waited.
I wanted to swim with me still in the bowl of fish.
I wish he was there beside me, close enough to steal my breath.
so beautiful as to seem fake.
I wanted it to be there. On that autumn night, where the streets seemed lost.
in the sky And our love left a window open, the screen. Unable to cross.
Beautiful and still. Waiting to be reached. And Jared's hand was crushed against his invisible glass, waiting for me.
against a window in the sky I'd never met.
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