heels seemed too thin, under my weight. The dress is too tight against my hips. Cheeks too full, the neck of proportion to the rest of the body.
"You're beautiful," said Blake, when she saw me walk past her room. To me it just seems a huge candy pink, with a little 'pouring chocolate on top. Sbuffai, running his hands through his curls again, before you enter the huge ballroom of the hotel that Jay had chosen for the trials of her marriage.
swallowed.
Jaysen married. Jaysen .
I let the glass doors swung open as I approached, I let the lungs fill with a little more ', holding the satin dress that wraps me pompous body. I let my eyes close for a while ', the first few seconds of torture which would have subjected them all evening.
Jaysen that day as I was meeting with the fear on his face, his eyes were lighter than usual - just a blue mentioned in a sea of ice-white, her hair color of old gold, falling on the skin. He was wearing a dark blue suit, shiny leather shoes that made noise on the floor.
I stared at my sandals high that at each step hit the white tiles with violence, it seemed that the floor should fail at any moment, in my movement. It seemed that the abyss was there, it was enough for a shift of the fall and do away once and for all. With two fingers in my mouth, if possible. With empty palms, face down, with an invitation for a wedding planted on her, and want to cry died in his throat some time ago. There was music
low, room, classical music. I sighed trying to relax your shoulders, while the pianist of the cases continued to perform a sonata by Mozart.
Jaysen was approaching at a fast pace and still had the desire to run away and leave him there with his eyes a bit 'staring into the void, with nothing in place of my figure wrong. The desire was to turn his back to the squalid hell of a marriage built the Lodge just to kill some more ', to forget the return of Oxana, after two years of absence. The absent presence of Jay, after three years of absence. And the smell of lilies and chocolate.
But the strength was not there. Nor move or to say something or try to smile when her face was in front of me, a few centimeters higher. A few inches too far.
threw open his lips to say something, maybe, maybe to breathe or scream. To cry, to call Blake and close to her heart, leaving his arms around me.
"Michelle." It might seem like a greeting to someone who did not have to memorize all the inclinations of his voice, to someone who had spent nights on nights - hours upon hours - to understand when having to smile when not having to blink, when having to stand still. To someone who had not spent the last three years of his life trying to forget about remembering everything, moment by moment. Pats miss you, kisses dreamed, and only those words do not you think.
But Jaysen had the tone that would be expected, had no particular tone. Simply found by my presence there, with all the bones and the flesh of her hips. With long hands.
I avoided his eyes, tried not to stare in the face to find out what had changed, how his features had become hardened and if it did a few wrinkles on the skin head, if his lips were still the color of cherries not too ripe . If it was as beautiful as I remembered or less, or more.
"Congratulations," I whispered, raising his head, stretched out the package with the twins that my father wanted to give him, sank in his eyes. Forgetting the fears, letting the breath stopped in my throat with the force of a painful knife, leaving the blue of his eyes real return. That the sections were allowed to resume texture and a bit behind the 'smoke-filled memories.
Her hair was a bit 'longer than last time, her face was thinner - more tired.
My hand trembled when I went with the look on profile perfect eyebrows clear on what liscissimo forehead. On his features still perfect.
"Jaysen, I think you could make the model. Other than a psychologist, "I played. The boy who kept his head resting on my legs chuckled and shrugged his shoulders.
"It would not be as much fun," said convinced, I laughed myself bending down to touch the forehead with a kiss, savoring the absolute perfection of her skin. The soft and silky texture. "And anyway there are still a psychologist, I am training with my father."
"Yeah. But why Dad has entrusted to you and not him? You are inexperienced, no? We would need someone who can be manipulated like puppets, "m'imbronciai as I spoke. When Jay had wanted to speak to me alone, when I had explained the subtle psychological game of my father, I was shocked, but not too much. I was saddened, above all, understand that Andy's confidence did not exist and that the image of the perfect family that I grew in my mind was just a well-constructed farce. Jaysen was helping us all, threatening the position and the skin, to really get over the shock without removing it, to accept the truth without being killed.
"You should be happy if he were my father to look after you'd already gone crazy at all. Anyway, I like puppeteer are much better, your father knows, baby, "he said, straightening up sitting on the couch and settling of skin. He reached out to caress her neck. "You're eating too little, Chelle, look at that so you get sick, then you're so beautiful." He tilted his head and smiled at me from below, with blue eyes lit up. I shrugged my shoulders, wringing her hands in her lap. Hiding reddened fingers.
"I have no appetite," I tried to smile but Jay continued to look serious, he moved his eyes on his hands that was torturing me. He sighed slowly.
"Look, I understand, Michelle, are or are not a psychologist? We will address this problem, one day or another. Now, tell me about Blake and your relationship, "he said, grabbing my folder from the desk behind us. Shoulders relaxed with a sigh and stared at him.
went coloring and a smile on her lips.
Oxana When he called to say she would be back for the wedding and other I felt my heart speed up like crazy in the chest re-embrace the idea of my old friend, to tighten the tiny body in his arms and re-learn what parts of skin to touch tickle her.
When Blake had brought before me, after Jay had left without saying a word, with a prayer for peace on the face, the world had begun to tremble a bit 'too much, my legs had stopped hold me voluntarily. Tried every muscle to keep from falling to his knees on the ground without having to get up later. But Oxana held me and had a huge smile on his face thin, colored red lipstick, no tears in her eyes dark blue, only craved serenity - the ultimate goal of the evening, only affection that warmed liquid pigments.
Blake stood beside us, and we brushed with a sweet look, still in its eternal beauty - in its absolute perfection, in the deep green of the iris.
Oxana smelled good, that night, wrapped up in that tiny black dress, slipped into those enormous boots, decorated with studs and chains on every tiny piece of skin uncovered.
I passed my hands over his face, on bare shoulders, revealing to recall every detail of her beauty clear, every detail of his way to move and pose, dress.
"God, how I miss you," I sighed, without thinking too much, letting the words flowed forth. Letting the hatred I had felt for her since she had decided to leave me alone to Philadelphia to be dissolved in an unhealthy nostalgia. Nostalgia would not be treated as a wound that you inflict is fully aware that will not be able to patch, there is no time.
But Ana's hands were stronger than mine, as I clutched the and did not answer, but looked at me like I'm the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life, with the tenderness that only she knew how to put and Bee. With the love that was once also belonged to Jay.
very clear I touched her hair, frowning.
"Have you dyed?" Oxana nodded, still smiling, with a hint of satisfaction in his eyes. I chuckled thinking back to afternoons spent listening to while declaring that he dyed his hair once come of age, he wanted pink, at fourteen, nine blue. But he had dyed platinum blonde, a few shades lighter than its color natural.
Just to let you mix with the whiteness of the skin, which highlight the very dark makeup and perfect blue eyes.
"You are greeted all?" I asked her, she shrugged.
"No, you, Bee and others. I also met Ben, the boy again. And I knew the story of Jared and Blake are really beautiful together! Nate have not seen it, but I do not care who knows what and my I avoid them as much as I can, "he said. I shuddered at the sound of his voice, so different from how I remembered it, color depth new and new knowledge, new songs, strumming the guitar. I nodded mirrored in his eyes, the only ones who showed me a picture of myself a little 'less distorted. A bit 'less painful.
"When you start to vomit, Chelle?"
Jaysen's voice was always able to stretch the nerves, even when what he said affected skin and memories. I shook my head, tightening the lips.
"I do not want to talk, I said," I snapped, annoyed. Jaysen was sitting in the chair in front of the couch where I had done stretch.
snorted and put his briefcase in his hand, stood up and took a seat next to me, I gently rubbed her temples. I closed my eyes taking a sigh, thinking back to when, in seventh grade, I decided to stop eating was a pretty wise choice for weight loss.
"A few months ago, a bit 'after the death of Lili,' a bit later in the evening we had shaken the fragile lives and minds, after the death of the young woman.
The boy did not stop massage while he thought.
"I will overcome together, ok? So I'm not going anywhere. "
I nodded and smiled happily.
"Yesterday I danced with Blake, you know. He said they are beautiful, "I sighed and serene. I heard Jay laugh softly.
"You're beautiful, Michelle, I just do not know look," he said quietly, I opened my eyes and found him staring at her face softened, looking a bit 'alienating. A bit 'unsettling.
"This does not mean anything. I know exactly how they are made, the body is mine. It is not perfect as I wish it were, point, "I muttered. Jay shook a bit 'eyes and a slight smile stretched the lips. He shook his head as he bent to kiss the corner of his mouth.
"You're a silly girl," sighed on my skin. I handed him his arms around her shoulders and shook me.
"I just turned sixteen, after all," chuckled, followed by him. "E ' just one year I come here, do you believe? Who knows how much time we spend together, "I sighed, thrilled to be at least in the near future, the near certainty of
Jaysen. An anchor to hold on in case of need.
month after my salvation, that guy with the blonde hair, had found a home and peace in Boston.
I closed the cabin door of the bathroom behind him, while slamming his stomach revolted too much for the cake sent down after the dinner. After all the talk exchanged between us, children of the Loggia. By hiding my weaknesses, Ana, Blake
and Jared and Ben, hiding the pain to find us still together, burying the fear of stairs to climb that awaited us. Laughing a little laughter
'trembling a bit' believe, breathing the scents of our skins. Listening to the music we stroked her hair and eyes.
The others went dancing after the dinner ended. I had got up to go throw up what I had sent down, leaving Ana falsely sweet glances at the mercy of his mother's and father's attentions puzzled both years before the French came to live in the United States.
Blake and Jared and I left to look dead with that passion that characterized their relationship; Ben and dancing with a girl just met with strange orange hair.
I let the last moments slipping fast in the hourglass crazy. I left my legs to run to the toilet, his fingers scraping the throat and blood in the water down the toilet along with food. Along with the tears that I could not pay - not yet.
"Chelle?" Jaysen's voice came from the entrance of a luxury bathroom. "Michelle, are you here?"
I nodded, confused by his presence. I forced her throat to emit some sound.
"Yes, I'm here," he murmured softly, Jaysen heard me, though, and came dangerously close to his cabin where I was holed up. I curled up against the wall, press it against the blue tile smell of disinfectant.
"Are you okay?" I looked at his shoes get even a bit ', from under the door, I heard the rustling of clothes that touched the thick wood. Sniffles fighting the urge to cry, to let Jaysen could still save for a few minutes, leaving me to myself later. Fighting the fear of letting go. With myself and with my conscience - With life and the instinct for self-preservation.
She was always so with Jaysen, always. Try as I might to fight, as harbored the desire to leave his call was louder and louder, like a siren sadistic and crazy. I was too weak compared to him. Still too young.
"No, I'm fine," I muttered, then leaving again had won. What I still need him were to emerge and become obvious only I did get up and stagger the lock, which lowers the handle.
that stared with the first tears that melted the mascara. I left her arms close to her heart, the lungs stop breathing - against his ribs.
Jaysen said nothing, almost not breath as I pressed my mouth on the lips, and opened up with the violence.
let him dictate the pace of that first kiss exhausting and unhealthy, that feelings accumulate on the skin. Layer by layer, love and innocence mixed with bulimia and anorexia, to Blake and friends and are looking forced. Hands on hands, boys little-known, Nate, I marched to Jaysen the pink dress and I sat at the faux marble sink.
He ran his hands over my naked body stretch to stretch, slowly, on the relief of all the bones too visible, tiratissima on the skin of the abdomen, thighs skeletal, his face haggard and worn. But
heels seemed to still hold my weight as I was leaving the bathroom after. Still seemed to stagger under pounds and pounds, without taking into account the lightness brood in the heart moments before, in the mix to breathe, much-needed orgasm. In a meeting so desired and so little experience, his mind off that reflect only those emotions left on the skin. With a new pain in my heart, now that the taste of Jaysen had taken texture and shading. Now that I had said he loved me, that Alex did not want to marry her. I was the only one. But I had to leave, and leave them alone.
seems to lack the stomach empty and the tears poured down the spiral of a masochistic pleasure. In close too violent hands on mine.
Those damned heels seem too thin compared to my ankles, wrists and collarbones in relief. They seemed to be broke, sweeping away the foundations of something I did not know and could not live.
looked fragile, and on the brink of Baltea eyes were too poisonous, not to dissolve the walls that I had built around those of my friends naked too to fortify.
And, at some point, you realize that the fall it can not be done without.
"The first time I saw you I fell in love with you. His eyes were too good, "Jaysen stared at the desk, his hands clenched into fists, ready to pack in a corner. "The second time I realized that it could not be, and I was afraid to die."
vacuum swallowed, trying not to pass out front to stop those tears that I bathed his face continuously since Jay had said that she must go.
"You will to greet me? "he asked softly, risking a look at my face. Opened her eyes a bit.
"Of course yes," I said. Death in the heart and voice an unnatural hardness.
"You're getting the stone," he whispered with a little logic, I shrugged.
"There is much more than just a 'you and me' in all this, Jaysen. Go and sleep with the cleanest hands, the rest to us " the day after I passed them to cry for the things I could say at that moment and that I preferred to keep quiet as not to die even more.
The following months I would have spent staring at his hands while the water wets, wondering if those of Jay seemed really cleaner in Boston, away from the mess.
The following years I would have gone to remember all the shades of blue of his eyes, the different expressions and hide their hands. Too dirty to be looked at. Too gray to be real.
Hands of stone and bone, too heavy to be governed by well heeled thin.
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